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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Got a couple of minutes?

I'm sick of kissing ass. Everybody wants to be the couple that is most in love. Eeverybody wants to be the coolest couple. Eeeverybody wants to be the couple that will get ahead most in life. (It also goes without saying that at this point, Eeeeverybody IS a couple).

NOBODY KNOWS HOW TO PARTAY ANYMORE! *whacks head against wall*

mumblegrumblestupidshowoffsgetafuckinglife

Monday, December 05, 2011

Dilemma

Today an old friend whom I don't really talk to sent me an un-personal email. She grouped me along with another old friend whom I cut off from. My heart breaks when I see that she still thinks of us. Me. 

I had good friends. They were great when I had them. At a distance.

But what's done is done. There's forgiving and forgetting. And then there are things you can never forgive and forget. Not them. They didn't do a thing. But there are hurdles I cannot cross.

They saw me break. They helped me break/not break/mend/not mend. But sometimes you don't mend. You don't mend till you see someone stick up for you in front of the thing that broke you. And sometimes you make the decision to not break yourself anymore when nobody does that.

To you all. 

I'm glad you're happy. I am too. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Drunken Monkey

I am drunk. Most decidedly so. A night out with the colleagues, after a couple of months. I sorely missed this.

Days like today when I am full of love for everyone, I only wish they could find what I have. The ones who need it.

Lots of love, yougaiz.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Growing up just isn't any fun

First and foremost, I suppose I ought to apologize for the self indulgent and depressive posts I seem to be putting up here. Secondly, I am happy, despite what it might look like.

However, I am also creepily dissatisfied.
I recently read this article by Natasha Badhwar and it hit home. Read if if you would like a fabulous writer to elaborate on the happy misery we live in. http://www.outlookindia.com/article.aspx?279005

It feels awful, not having close friends anymore. It feels awful that I have no memories to share anymore. It feels awful that I'm afraid of creating new ones with new people, for fear of losing them. We're all at that crux when a fling with a boy JUST might  not make sense anymore if you aren't seriously considering marrying him. That crucial point when you learn to stop bitching and start dealing with other people's insecurities, because you know you have yours too. The strange situations where you don't know how to quit your job even though its taking advantage of you and eating up your youth. Suddenly, if you don't have yourself a USP (and no, being a nice person isn't quite enough), you're going to be shunned by the wonderful interesting world. And of course, my personal un-favourite: a man is judged by the company he keeps. She keeps? They keep.

Old friends fight with me. Newer ones stick to the side that will give them more social benefits.
Everybody's fighting, bitching, trying to sound better than the last one. There's pride, ego and accusations everywhere. While I earlier would scorn people making fake friendships, I find myself doing the same.

I'm dissatisfied. Unhappy by the fact that I truly am a social misfit - by my own choice, granted. But suddenly, things just seem to have snapped. The world isn't my oyster anymore. People aren't fun and understanding anymore. Nobody attempts to be a friend.

The world is becoming a bitchy hateful socialite.

And then, just when you're on the verge of a breakdown, someone calls. And you know things aren't that bad. All you need to do is create your own world - where you're comfortable, happy, and know that you aren't harming a soul.


Thursday, November 17, 2011

I like to move it, move it.

How do you get yourself out of a rut?

For the past few months I have been focusing on stabilizing my life and getting back to a place I used to be. The emotional abuse I suffered a year ago did a lot to wreck the confidence I had taken years to build. It also made me more afraid of the world.

But the world doesn't owe me anything. I, however, owe myself and the people I love, a lot. One is to stop being afraid. A while ago I attended a friend's birthday party where a number of people I was visibly afraid of, came. 

While I thought everything was fine and dandy for a few hours, at the first sign of the people involved, I felt a wave of repulsion and fear overcome me. So much so that I couldn't stand to have a decent and polite conversation with them. I think all that came out of me were a contorted face, nervous laughter and fake conversation that didn't include looking into anyone's eyes. More than that, watching these people visibly reject me made me want to walk off - which I did.

My life now doesn't include the need to be a social butterfly. However, deep inside is a little cocooned item waiting to unfurl her wings and tell the rest of the world to please, darlings, fuck off, for enabling my abuse.

And while I certainly don't want those people in my life again, I would like ability to be strong enough to tolerate the sight of them, and not feel the urge to run away. And I would like to not have any drama.

And I would like to realize what amazing luck I have to have surrounded myself with wonderful people, without feeling afraid that they would turn into the same weirdos. 

This rebuilding shit is hard work, people.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Creepy Crawlies and How They're Actually Good For You.

Creepy crawlies tell you something's wrong.

I haven't had a case of the CC's for a really long time now - 7 months to be exact, and yes, that means exactly what you think it does. I've cut off a large number of people from my life, some associated with an old life.. and that's been saving me from a lot of anxiety attacks, because somehow I always ended up feeling like I'm worth more than people who kept bringing up uncomfortable things just to watch me squirm.

I've cut off from people I haven't wanted to, either. People I am protective about, but somehow who seem to be unleashing my superbitchy side *frowns*, I wish I had the kind of relationship with them where I could say things to their face instead of posting them on social networking sites.

I would love to say that I've done great things over the past few months, but maybe I haven't. No great spending or big expenses, no fancy new job, no great trips abroad, and no snazzy weight loss or sudden recognition, or outburst of creativity.

Perfectly preserved dead dragonfly. Yum.

 The brother's birthday ice-cream.


 Dandelion at Kodai. 


 Birthday love from the girls.

 Bacon Crow. Copyright, A.



Your Kitteh is low on battery and will now go to Sleep mode. Please plug in to continue purring.



Blue roses and green (??), available at your nearest mallige-poo florists.


The tangled webs we weave (that black speck on the road is actually a spider crawling on its web spun from the mirror, across the bike)


But, to me, I've done the greatest thing ever: I've been happy.

I've made new friends and contacts and have better colleagues - more fun and creative and crazy than my old 'gang', whom I sorely missed till I took a chance on other people. I've made a decision to be with someone who fulfills everything I've ever needed, lets me be independent and never lets me feel unprotected.

I've made the decision to be at a job where I love what I do, albeit the slight tiffs.

And I have my kitten.



Monday, September 05, 2011

Things I learnt from my cat

1. If you really want something, take the initiative, stick a claw into it and pull it closer.
2. If you're gonna be a cranky and demanding bitch, learn to look cute while doing it.
3. Be clear about what you want and don't stop whining till you get it.
4. Everything else can wait - naptime NEEDS to happen.
5. People will forgive you for nearly everything if you purr and act like you like them in their presence.
6. If you really want some peace and quiet, go somewhere where NOBODY can find you.
7. Do your real work when everyone else is asleep.
8. Move your body gracefully, even if you're pooping.
9. Stick to concrete mealtimes no matter who forgets.
10. Don't forget to be stupid once in a while.

Friday, July 29, 2011

A toast

To all the love I've been getting.

1. Happy Birthday Romal! May you have love, light and another 25 years more of wonderful people in your life. (I'll wish for 25 more years on your 50th :D) And please, can I meet lots more of the lovely gay boys you seem to know? I would gladly marry some, because THEY ARE SO FRIKKIN AMAZING.

2. To Dhingra, we need to have a party already!

3. To My Boy, who doesn't blog anymore, but who I used to follow in college, and am pretty kicked I ended up with. And who is hands-down the most intelligent, sensitive, humorous and patient straight man I have ever met.

4. To Nagarjuna. MEALS: Period.

Love. Lots of it.


Monday, July 04, 2011

Baggage

Under your mattress

In pages of perfume

In your gmail's g-spot

Old pictures of pictures

Friends

Returnables


I found an old chat with a friend who told me she was changing her email ID to get rid of baggage. I found that chat while I was looking up some of my own baggage.Its strange how the people who laughed at you are the ones you're laughing at now. The ones who pitied you had worse happen to them, and the ones who made judgements are having judgements made at them.

And the ones who fixed you are the ones who need fixing? No, not all.

But I believe in letting baggage go. Maybe that's a bad thing. Old friends... who don't exist anymore? They're old. They were friends. And now all they are is hazy memories and some cliche's of speech.

There is some baggage I hold on to. Acts of kindness. Bloggers that used to make me laugh, and some who used to keep me in awe. Walks in the rain with old friends who just aren't anymore, but back then we thought we'd be soulmates forever.

People I used to get irritated with because I felt like they never got close enough, but who I am now glad never got close enough.

So I miss the days of connections. Maybe they're over. Maybe we all just grew up and the smell of sex, status, alcohol and money distracted us all.

Huh.


Monday, June 06, 2011

Full Circle

Its strange to me and sometimes overwhelming, happiness is. Wonderful when you finally get what you've been wanting your entire life.

So much more than love.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

Here I lie

About being busy. I lie that I make plans. I lie that I'm totally mended. I lie.





Tuesday, March 01, 2011

Bangalore Queer Film Festival and Prayers for Bobby

Official Website of BQFF.

I have a confession to make. I haven't watched a lot of gay or lesbian-centric movies because I've always assumed that many people are fine with those who have alternate sexualities. And I've never really discussed or gone much deeper into the issue because.. well.. I'm lazy.



On Saturday I went to watch 'Prayers for Bobby' at the third annual BQFF held at Alliance Francaise. Starring Ryan Kelley as Bobby Griffith and Sigourney Weaver as his mother, Mary Griffith, the move is about a young man who commits suicide because of his family and community's unacceptability of who he is. His death shakes his family up, particularly his mother, who begins to search for the deeper truth in the Bible and its interpretation of homosexuality as a sin.

Now I'm not going to ooh and aah about how it portrayed 'homosexuality' in specific so realistically. Even though, by the way, it did.

But something that struck me was how if you had replaced homosexuality with any other problem, like depression, it would have been as believable. Because that's how it happens in real life.

I had entered the auditorium about ten minutes after the movie had started, sat down expecting a cheesy pointless Lifetime movie. Darn it if those damn sniffles didn't catch up with me too! (OK, ok, so I also cry for everything sad, what's your point?) It was cheesy but there was shitloads of truth in it, too. It wasn't just a gimmicky 'gay' movie like I thought it would be.

They ought to show this movie to every class in college. For once, from a straight person's point of view, I could understand the emotional nuances of being gay and I felt like I connected. And I left wanting to do something.

'Course I still don't forgive his mother. I mean, dude, he still killed himself. :P

Monday, February 21, 2011

Scuba pe Dooba

Bad Title. I want to hit myself.

So since next month is going to be HECTIC (don't miss the all caps), I took a weekend off this month and went off to Murdeshwar, originally just to snorkel and see the place, but last minute decided I wanted to scuba dive as well.

And boy, am I glad I did that!

The whole trip is pretty easy and weekend-doable. Left Bangalore on Friday night, reached Murdeshwar on Saturday morning. We were staying at a place called RNS Residency which isn't too far away from the temple and the beach. The temple. by the way, is apparently 'renovated', but it looks very new and sharp, and its painted in all gold and silver, which is a extremely painful on the eyes in the daytime. Surprisingly not so bad at night:



We were introduced to the scuba equipment, practiced and got used to it on day 1. All in the swimming pool. I cannot begin to tell you how cool it is when you first go underwater and begin to breathe with an oxygen tank.

Practice over, we went right to the top of the 20 storied Gopura next to the temple to watch the sunset. And we made it juuuuuust in time, of course it was a little packed with locals to we had to make do with a squeezy bit of orange through the window for a sun. And what would a trip to the seaside be without 'Fish Naked Fry' and Crab Masala for dinner? (And silly people who will never fail to make jokes about it? I swear after we heard 'Fish Naked Fry' the giggles went on for an hour.)

On the second day, we were up early to get our equipment and get onto the boat for the one and a half hour boat ride to Netrani island from the shore.





Ladies and gentlemans, here's a tip: ANTI SEA SICKNESS PILLS DO NOT WORK. Neither does nimbu. Or smelling an orange peel. This coming from the girl who spent majority of the boat ride with her tongue hanging out of her mouth and her head glued to the edge of the boat despite trying all of the above. The only thing that works is not eating.

Vomititious, it was.

But once we got there, strapped on our gear and began, it made up for the discomfort by a million gazillion times.



The scuba diving was happening one at a time, so the rest of us who weren't doing that grabbed our snorkels and dove into the sea. At the risk of sounding cheesy, I'm going to say I felt a little bit like the Queen of the Ocean surveying the going on's from waaay up above. It was like watching a busy city from the clouds. There was fish-traffic, coral-buildings, and an occasional big blue policeman fish or two. Eels hiding in the coral waiting for unsuspecting tiny fish to swim into their mouths, Stonefish attached to the coral that I would have missed except that someone else pointed it out to me, schools of tiny silver fish that would all change direction in a snap with the movement of your hand. And so much more!

Going scuba diving is just one step ahead from snorkeling. While snorkeling, you stay on the surface and just watch, but while scuba diving, you actually get to go down into the area you've been surveying and oh man, it is so worth it! I was one of the last to go, and a little hesitant originally because I was a little tired from all the alternating sea sickness and snorkeling, but two minutes into the depths and I was hooked.

Fish of a hundred different shapes, sizes and colors everywhere I looked, a large angelfish that followed me and that I found staring at me inquisitively every time I turned around. Sea Cucumbers, anemone, and the most gorgeous colors ever, especially with the sunlight filtering through the top of the sea. The coral: so much better than watching the Discovery Channel!

This is a weird comparison, but they looked like little tame kittens. I wanted to pet them all.

It is a little scary when you're down there and you suddenly realise you're hooked onto an oxygen tank and some extremely heavy gear, and if it malfunctions you're slightly.. um.. dead...but the divers train you well before you get into the sea, and also, the universal rule is that nobody dives alone, you always have a partner, no matter how experienced you may be, so that's comforting.

The water pressure creeped me out at the start because I thought I'd come up with a nose bleed for sure, but, nope. I was longer underwater than the other beginners and nothing happened. I was also worried that my mask would fill up with water and I wouldn't be able to purge it, because I couldn't really do it in the pool, but I tried it 2 minutes into the sea and it was so much easier. So yes, I had great vision under the sea because I could wear my lenses and go! The other basic thing they make sure you learn is how to grab onto your mouth piece again if you drop it : you stuff in into your mouth, purge it of water and start sucking oxygen again; a little weird the first time around because to begin with, you are only breathing with your mouth and if you don't purge the mouthpiece and just suck, you get a mouthful of water instead of air, and I guarantee you will panic a bit especially if you're ten feet below the surface of the sea.

So anyway, I recommend you all try this if you're not on medication, not trying to get pregnant, don't have any blood pressure issues, don't have sudden panic attacks and are generally all-round healthy.



Anyway, here's to Murdeshwar and meeting some people of quality.Two of 'The ladies', who are married and have wives, and two more real ladies, one whom I couldn't help but fall in love with the minute she gave me a \m/ sign underwater when, and also because she snorkeled with me, and the other was kind of a floozy but I give her points for having the courage to actually go through with it, because IT IS INTIMIDATING especially when you're not even a swimmer.

All of you should try it, just so that you can ask existential questions after :) Totally worth the sunburnt back. :D

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

How to be a Bitch on the Interwebz

Join Twitter and follow me. :P

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Fear Knot

A wise friend of mine told me the other day in the midst of one of my psychotic tantrums directed at The Ex, that the things people fear most of all in their heart of hearts is what ends up happening to them anyway.

It took me all of five seconds to pronounce that statement my new way of making my life change: to dig out all my deepest fears, to accept them, and finally, to make sure I act so I minimise chances of them coming true.

Here are my main fears:
1. Being less educated that I expected.
2. Not having enough courage to let go of something I know is bad for me.

And in the spirit of sending out nothing but positivity into the universe, I am going to tell you what it is I AM going to try to get back:

1. People who mean what they say.
2. Fun people who do things with their lives.
3. People who genuinely care.
4. People who laugh.

And here's where you wish me luck, because these aren't very easy to come across.